screw capital.

Right now I feel like a poopy-poop. Ugh. I seriously hate almost all my friends now. Noooo! What am I going to do if I can't stand any of my friends?

I really hope this is just me being Ms. Moody-Bluesy-Teenagerith. Damn you hormones!

I think there was a really good punk band called the hormones. But I can't remember. I think I'll look that up.

Dad is leaving for Summer Camp(the awesomely awesome hippy music fest in chilicothe) I'm still pissed that he's refused to take me. I don't get to go to any festivals this year. :( Wait, did he already leave? Jeez would it have killed him to say goodbye! Ugh once more.

And since dads' going to scamp and mom works all this weekend I can't go do fun stuff.

I don't know if I really want to hang with Mad anyway.

I just want to get away from this neighborhood. I want out! I want to go camping. I want to go to....some where other than Rockford.

Blah, I need a job so I can learn to drive so I can get a car so I can go on a road trip so I can see Morganne and Alli and other fun fun fun people so I can have lots of fun and be free of the evil confines of this horable industrial city. At least for a month or two. Job job job job job. Every thing revoleves around money. What can you do with out it? You can hoof it. But you wont get no where fast. Or you wont get out of no where fast. That's what Rockford is, one hell of a no where. Oh suuuuure, third bigest city in the state! Dosen't mean crap, we're the bigest one horse town you've ever seen. I mean, we have CORN FEILDS in the midle of the city! You wanna' know what Rockford is? It's the screw capital of the world. Yeah that's right, we manufacture screws. That's all Rockford is! Factories! It's a fucking dump.

God I'm in such a bad mood. And I have to clean the fucking house.
Grr.

Alice in wonderland

Dress-rehearsals went bad today. Not bad bad. Just not great. But that's normal I guess, bad dress, good performance. The first time we went through it was way better than the second time. I was more into it. I wont say I was great, that'd be a big fat lie--it's not like I can actually act--but I didn't drop any lines, skip any cues, and I felt, felt.....like the queen.
I'm tired though, I'm just stuck in this nervy fog. Shaking 'cuz I'm scared and sick to my stoumich 'cuz I'm scared but also 'cuz I'm sicker than I have been in a while. Shit, I'm not ready for this. I'm not sure why I'm so scared though, it's not like I have a big part--not like last year! But when ever I think about it I feel like I'm going to...I don't know. I just feel like I can't do it, but I have to, it's to late now. God, Terry and Eli are going to be there! I don't want any one I know to be there. Fucking up in front of strangers is okay, but totally bombing in front of the woman who taught me to act, the guy I used to be friends with--fuck! I don't think I was this scared last year, which is weird since then I was one stage the whole entire time and I had so many lines I could hardly remember them all and now I'm just the queen.

I can't wait untill tomorrow. Nervy as I am, I know it's going to kick ass. The performance is going to be amazing.

My head hurts and I can't figure out Lady Madonna. Mike said to play it an octive higher than the sheat says, and I figured, ''no problem I can totally handle that.'' But it's alot harder than I thought. Ugh.

skanky-sluty-summer-fun

Magnolian fest was boring and tiny, and I felt thirdwheel-a-licious since Jon couldn't come.(It was Mad, Evan, and I) We walked around in this cool old neighborhood for a while. My legs are a little sore(1. I should work out more. 2. I should have been wearing better shoes.) but I think I burned alot of fat so that's good.(I really don't care about being ''skinny'' I just want to be fit)

This morning, I some how bit my uperlip when I triped on the stairs.(Ariel needs to learn how to walk!) So now it feel really weird when I talk. Like there's this patch on the inside of my uperlip that is missing a bunch of skin, it didn't bleed or any thing, it's just raw and a little....tingley.

Oh god, today at the fest, I was wearing this little mini skirt right? And I wasn't really paying attention to where I was walking and I triped on this big crack in the sidewalk, and the guy behind me totally saw my underwear. Good thing I was actually wearing them! Can you imagine how embarasing that would have been if I decided to go comando? Plus, at Mad's house when I was walking up the stairs Mad was like ''Ooooh Ariel I can totally see your undies!" Hahahaha, that would have been awkward!

Anyway, Joshua asked me out again last night. I tryed to let him down gently ya' know? But I think I might have come off as bitchy. God I hate having to turn guys down! It makes me feel like a horable person, but I'm just not into him that way. And I'm totally not looking for a relationship this summer. Summer flings are where it's at man. Who'd want to be totally involved when you can just play around and have fun ;) Besides, I'm to busy to stick with one guy in the summer. Boyfriends are fun, but it's more fun to just play the feild. Oh wow, that made me sound like a total slut didn't it? I really didn't mean it like that, I just mean, I'm not looking to fall in love is all. Hahaha.

I can't change a thing(but do I really want to?)

Going to a street festival today, woohoo! I actually have no clue what it's about, but whatever, I'll have fun any way.

So I started writing a song this morning, it sounds pretty fab so far, but I can't figure out what to write next, nothing sounds good. So I think I'm just going to leave it alone for now and see if it still sounds good in the morning. If it does then I'll get down to writing some music to go with it. It's gonna' be weird writing music for lyrics on my own, ususally I write the lyrics and the chorus and one of my band mates does the rest. But they are looooooong gone now, I'm not in contact with any of them, they haven't even done any shows since we split up. Ah well, I s'pose I really need to do it eh? I don't want to be dependant on other people for music. Or any thing else for that matter.

Rachel seems to have disapeired. She's deleted her myspace, she hasen't been on AIM for like two weeks, and she never called me like she said she would. I wish I knew why. But I can't even call her to try 'n find out, I don't have her number. Poop.

Speeking of disapeiring friends, I haven't talked to Kayla since before easter. Which fucking sucks. I miss her. She was cool, never juging people the way my other friends do. I loved that about her. She was quirky too, we always had a good time. Oh well, some times friends leave you. And you can't change a thing.

pass out potatoe

I think my eyes are light sensitive. Bright sun light gives me a headache, and then I start feeling dizy. It really sucks.

punch drunk luuurve

I'm not feeling so hott today. Actually I was feeling fine when I was hanging out with Andrew, Jessica, Katlyn, and Jerimiah, but now I feel sick, and depressed. Just one of those days I guess.

There's this one guy(I'm not going to put his name here because he said that he reads my blog) that I used to really like, and I flirted with him, and made it pretty obvious. But today I realized, I don't really like him that much. Or maybe I did, and my feelings have changed? But you'd think that would be a gradual thing wouldn't you? Not like, one day you're head over heals(I never really got that saying before) and the next you couldn't care less. Fuck. I'd like to say that it's just PMS or some thing, but I know it's not. I don't think I'm really into relationships right now. Not that I want to be all sluty and just sleep with every one, I don't feel like doing that either. I just want to...be. I just want to goof off with my friends. I want to go climb trees. I want to dance. I want to sweat. I want to not care about any thing.

I think I'm just in a bad mood right now. I'm gonna' go on a bike ride and see if I feel any better later.

pedo police

I got home from my guitar lesson late and missed Mike's call :( I thought about calling him back(since his number is on my caller ID) but it's already 3:30ish and he's 'prolly on his way to work or some thing.(bleh) Oh sadness, I s'pose I'll have to talk to him later instead :(

I had the weirdest dream this morning. In it, Mad and I were dressed as guys, it was midnight, and we were walking to Ben's house. Sudenly, a police oficer pulles up next to us and askes what we're doing. I go over and take off my hat,(the transformation is astounding, with the hat I look like a guy, with out it I look supper girly!) and the dude goes "How old are you...ladies?" (lmao, it was so funny the way he said it, you'd have to have been there though, oh wait, you couldn't it was a dream, never mind!) So we stand there and tell the guy exacty what we're doing(actually I told him, I think Mad was pissed off at me for blowing our cover and telling a cop what we were doing) and he's like "Well I'm headed up that way and it's dangerous to be out this late at night, even if you are dressed like men, so why don't you hop in the back and I'll give you a ride." So we did, I got to sit in the front(HA-HA, sorry Mad, I think he liked me better) and I was talking to him the whole time, and when he droped us off at Ben's house(this was so weird) HE ASKED FOR MY NUMBER! That's when I woke up.(I think it was because I was so suprised!) Anyway, that made me crack up.(Seriously, I opened my eyes, looked around at my room, and started laughing like an insane person) I wonder what inspired that dream!

tip-top tank-top

Last night, I was in such a deep sleep, I swear to god, I was dead to the world. Nothing could have made me wake up this morning. It was great though, falling asleep and staying asleep for hours is always a fun thing. I feel great now too, totally refreshed. It's a good thing too, yesterday I was so fucking tired, I almost fell asleep at grandma's house. Haha.

Today is a good day, all sunny and nice, I feel soo cheerful and...Ariel! I don't really have any plans for today either, so I can stay home and be lazy if I wish. I'll 'prolly take Aaron to the park around 4 or 5 though, I feel like being active, not siting around all day.

Oh bugger, it's only a couple weeks 'till june isnt it? I've been looking forward to summer so much, I forgot to get ready for it! I still need to buy a bikini and a couple skirts, maybe some tank tops too. I still need a job. Damn it, I don't want to work during summer! Spring, fall, winter, I don't care, but summer is when I'm free. Summer is when I can leave the house at 9 am and not go back untill 9 pm and no one cares! I can just spend the whole day with my friends, no plans, no worries. Summer is when I can forget about the future for a while, when I can just chill out and enjoy the moment I'm in. If I get a job I'll have to spend time inside. Oh poo, I need the money though.

I'm gonna' go out side, draw on the sidewalk or some thing.

pondering panties

I find it a little disturbing that no one in my family is at all fazed(or even slightly suprised) when they walk in a room and see me wearing panties on my head. Actually I'm not disturbed by that, I kinda' enjoy it. It's nice to know that I have a very strange family. Or maybe it's just me that's strange? This brings up a whole new range of things to ponder.

recaps

Yesterday: Went the the cinco de mayo parade, walked about 20 miles or so,(I'm so happy, my legs aren't sore!) went to the getaway,(best place ever!) hung out there for a bit, talked to Mad about organizing a benifit concert there,(it 'prolly wont hapen) got home, talked to Mikers, crashed.
Today: Went to grandma's,(I looked in on great grandpa while I was there, he was asleap the whole time though) uh.....I pretty much hung out at grandma's all day, went out to dinner with the fam, and this.
Exciting life eh?

happy cinco de myo!

It's a cloudy day today, sort of gloomy and damp. Oh well.

I'm going to pick up some aplications today. I talked to my mom about it and she said not to aply at magic waters, 'cuz there's no bus runing up there(yet) and I can't drive,(yet) and it would be a huge pain in her ass to pick me up every day. So I'm going to stick to places with in walking distance, it'll make things alot easier.

Working on my summer soundtrack right now. Stuffing it full of bouncy-indie bands. It's kinda' weird to be doing it online, usually I spend ages listening to the radio, friend's cds, tapes, stuff from the library, and burning it all on to cds. Now I'm just browsing through music blogs, myspaces, and other people's playlists. I want to put it all on disks, so that I can listen to it in the car, but I can't burn from projectplaylist, and it would be way majer hard to track down albums from all these obscure bands. Grrr, doing it this way I wont be able to send it to people!

I listend to my s.s.t. from a few years ago yesterday, it made me laugh. It was full of greatful dead, sead, phis, as well as(bealive it or not) aaron carter, a-teens, and dream-street! I'm quite happy to say that I have always had eclectic musical tastes, but also happy to say that my taste has improved. Though, when I was a kid, I'm sure I would think that my musical selection was going down hill fast.

I haven't played my guitar all week! I've been so wraped up in my music that I forgot about my music. Hah.

I need to work out more, I'm feeling fat. Ugh. I wish I could just be happy with how I look. Like that'll ever hapen. I guess I'm not that insecure, I know I'm pretty, I like my hair, I have fab legs. I just don't like my tummy, it's soooooo OUT THERE! Ugh & poop. I don't really like my butt either.

Whatever. I do need to work out more but I know I'm totally hott. And I don't give a shit what other people think.

I wonder if any one worth seeing is going to be at the rockbox tonight? I should call Mad and see if she wants to do some thing. It's saturday and I don't feel like staying at home.

things hapen when Ariel thinks

I started a cleaning rampage yesterday. It all started when I decided I needed to organize my closet, and next thing I know I'm cleaning the kitchen, the bathroom, my bed room. I haven't made much of a dent though. Must. Keep. Cleaning! Haha, I hate house work but once I get started it can be hard to stop.(the only reson I'm not cleaning now is because I needed to eat lunch!)

So I've been thinking alot(OMG! Ariel was thinking?!) about my life and such, and I do belive that I may have a bit of a life plan going. Of course, some thing could come up, and I could change my mind at any given time(as I so often do) but for now it sounds pretty solid.
This year: Get a job, save my money, learn french.
Next year: Get my drivers license, get a car, take a road trip, learn german.
The year after that:(we're at 2009 now) Enlist in the united states airforce.

This isn't a suden decision, I've actually been thinking about joining the airforce since I stayed with my aunt & uncle in Germany.(I was 13 at the time)

I figure, after I've done my four years, I can move to the city(chicago) and do...whatever, or if I have no plans, I can re-enlist. I'll get to travel, college will be paid for, and I'm serving my country all at the same time!(I may be a libral but I'm still proud of this country, we've made some mistakes, but over all, there's no where else I'd rather live.)

Speaking of future plans, I really need to get a job this summer. I really want to work at one of the book stores, but they hire mostly college students, so I s'pose I'll aply at the usual places; dairy queen, baskin robins, beefaroo, target, that kind of thing.

Karen says I should try geting a job at magic waters, but there is no way in hell I want to be a life gard. I doubt I could get the job anyway, I'm not that strong a swimer. I'm not that bad actually, with a little practice I could be better, but I don't really swim that often. Maybe I should get a membership to the Y...I supose being a life gard wouldn't be that bad would it? Maybe I'll aply there too. Could be fun?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Death and destruction!
My dad has put a lock on his computer, I can't do any thing on it with out the pass word! EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Goddamnit. I can't upload pics on this computer, now what am I going to do?! Dangdangdangdangdang. I could just tell my mom that I need to get some pics or some thing, buuuuut I really don't want her to see the pics I'm really uploading. Shootshootshootshootshoot. Poopers. I guess I'll just ask mom to get me on the comp tomorow and hope beyond all hope that she dosen't stick around to talk to me or any thing. Haha.

lace-up-pants

I've finally found a dress for Alice in wonderland.(I'm playing the queen.) It's awesome, white and ivory dimond patern, it'll look great with my red cape and crown. All I need now is a pair of red high heals. Ooooh and temporary red hair dye. Haha.

I need to get mom a mothers day presant. I was going to make her a bunch of origami flowers, but that idea's through the roof. So I think I'm gonna' go up to just goods and buy a couple wooden tulips. I know she likes those, and I can get that cool neckalace with the wooden eliphants while I'm at it.

Yay wooden eliphants!

Actually, yay all wooden animals! Haha.

I'm watching CSI right now, some times I really like that show, but some times it just bores the crap out of me.

God I have to pee, I really should get off my lazy butt and go to the bathroom. I don't wanna' though.

Ooooh today I bought these really awesomazing jeans today. They lace up the side so you can see all the way up my legs. Haha, they are soo fab. Mom hates them, she took one look and was like ''oooh there horable!" Hahahaha. I didn't buy them to make her mad or any thing, I'm over all that rebelion. But I still love the heck out of them. Only problem is I have to wear them with a thong, or go comando, or you can see my undies. Tackey! God I love thrift stores, you know I could never find some thing that cool at the mall. The mall has it's perks obviously. It's totally the best place to find shorts, hoodies, bathing suits and jeans, but for any thing cool you have to go to a thrifty or a botique.

I'd rather go shoping in madison though, I mean, here, you have to drive all over to get every thing you want, but in madison, or even chicago, all your shops are right there, not spread out all over the damn place.

Oh bugger mom wants me off the computer. Poop, I guess I'll go now.
Bye!

flipimg nuts

Yesterday the temp was up to 82--yesterday was of course the one day this week that I couldn't go out and do any thing with my friends. Today the temp is only going to get up to 63. I love spring in the midwest, but it can be a bitch some times.

The clothes I was wearing yesterday are coverd in yellow and green stains. Haha. When I took my brother to the park, I decided to roll down the hill. So I raced Aaron down the hill about...4 times. HAH. When I got home I was all itchy from lying in the grass, and I already mentiond the stains, but it was worth it.

I hung up a couple of my collages like two days ago. I love lying in bed and staring at them. Haha. That sounds so weird. S'pecially since I'm the person who made them and I know exactly what they look like. But it's like, the more I look at them the more I see. Aaaah that dosen't make any sence does it?

I haven't actually fineshed the big one. There's like one whole corner that's not complete. I want to take a bunch of pictures with my I-zone and stick them on there, buuuuut I need to buy some film.

Ugh, I hate hanging out with friends who totally judge other people. Like, who are you to say that some one is weird just becuase that person likes, anime or some thing? Hello, who cares? Every one has some thing they like, just because you don't agree with them dosen't make them a freak! Or pointing some one out because she's over weight and wearing a skirt? WHO CARES?! Big fliping deal! Oh yeaaaah, so a girl has the confidence to wear a skirt and not care about how she looks, that is great! That's not some thing to make fun of! Or if some one acts like they are better than other people, that kills me. It really does. I can not stand it. Even if they are saying that we are better than them I HATE it! All people are equal, why can't every one see that? There is nothing that makes you better than any other bum. I don't care if you're the president or a homeless guy with 6 kids, we are all equal. It's one thing if you're joking around once in a while, or if you're mad at some one, 'cuz then you don't really mean it, right? But when people act like that all the time, GOD! It drives me fliping nuts!

Okay, rant's over now. Time to calm down. Hahaha.

topless concerts

So I've promised to send Mike a picture of me, topless. Hahaha. God I'm fucking crazy. But I've already said I would do it and there is no way I'm backing down. I've already taken the picture, I just haven't had a chance to upload it. Oy. I doubt I would send it to any one else. But I like Mike. Seriously.

My glands are all swollen, blech, I think I'm getting a cold or some thing. NOT FUN.

It's even worse since I have rehearsals tomorow, how am I suposed to project my voice if I can harldy talk? Why do I always get sick right before I have stage time?

Oh fuck, I forgot we're not alowed to read from the skripts tomorow. I haven't botherd memorizing my lines. Good thing I don't have a big part or any thing, the queen is pretty easy to adlib for.

Guitar lesson went pretty shity today. I know the song I was suposed to play pretty well, I can play it alright, but for some reson I kept messing it up, hitting the wrong string, going to slow or to fast, forgetting how a chord went. My hands were shaking too, NOT FUN. I have a problem with playing in front of people, it's pretty weird, no matter how well I know a song I totally fuck up if people are watching me. Damn shyness.

YES!! I asked Mike if he would come to this concert thing and he said yes! Yay! I need to talk to Mad about that though, I still have no clue who we're going to see or when.

Aaaah I'm so excited now. I just know we'll have a million tons of fun. :)

zen worms

I have discusting posture when I'm sitting at the computer. Seriously. I could never get an office job because I'd be sitting with one foot on my chair and my head resting on my knee. I type quite fast and I'm good at data-entry tipe things, but I just can't be normal at a desk. Right now, both of my feet are on the desk, touching the moniter, and I've got one hand on either side of my legs, typing like that. Haha.

Anyway, I've been reading alot about zen latley. It's quite interesting. I love the philosophy(is that how you spell that?). I like meditating, it's very...peaceful, I s'pose.
But that's not the point, the point is, I have found a wonderful zen joke.

A zen master goes up to a hot-dog vender and says
"Make me one with every thing." Haha! But wait, there's more!
The hot-dog vendor gives him his hot-dog and says,
''That'll be $2.50."
The zen master hands him a five.
The vender puts the five in the cash box and turns to some one else.
''Where's my change?'' the zen master askes.
And the hot-dog vender says
"Change must come from with-in."

HA.HA.HA.

Today I saved an earthworm. You know how there are always worms all over the side walks after it rains? Well I found this really big slimey one on the driveway. I picked it up and put it in the flower bed. Poor wormy, he was all red on one side. I don't know if worms get sunburn, but I know they aren't suposed to be all red. I hope he(she?) is okay.

Sadness

I've changed my mind. I am sad about my grandfather dying. It's horrable.
My eyes hurt from trying not to cry. They are burning. Death shouldn't be drawn out and painful like this. It hurts every one. I think I have a parasite living in my right eye. I hope...I hope...I'm not sure what I'm hoping for. I just know I am.

every one is dying(still)

My great grandpa is dying. There, I said it.

I haven't actually told any of my friends yet. I'm having a hard time wraping my head around that fact.

It's there obviously. I know it's hapening. I know he's not doing well. I know he wont be around very long. But...I don't know...some how I don't think it's really hit me yet.

The thing is, I don't feel very sad about it. I mean I do, obviously! But I feel like I should be crying and writing about every thing he's ever said to me. But I'm not. I feel sad about it, but no sader than I felt(still feel) when I heard about Pudge dying.

Which makes me feel horable.

I want to be sad and with-drawn and be crying about it, but....He's old, he wasn't very healthy, people die. And I know my grandpa will miss him, and Betty and Aunt Barbra will too. But that just makes me feel sad for them, about how they loved great-grandpa and soon he'll be gone. And I loved him too, but...I just don't feel bad.

Am I a horable person?

Yes.

I didn't know him very well. I really only see him a few times a year.(birthdays, christmas, thanksgiving, that kind of thing) I know he played guitar when he was younger, I know he loves dogs, but doesn't have one, I know that he and his late wife met on a train(I think that's how they met, I'm not actually sure about that one). When I was a kid, every time I saw him he would tell me that I was shooting up like a weed, and he would always tell me about the first time he held me(when I was a baby) and how I screamed my head off.

But I'm not terrably sad that he'll be gone, I'm not happy about it! But I'm not drowning in tears either.

I hate this feeling.

every one's dying

R.I.P. Pudge.
Pudge, the drumer from the sead band, died in his sleap last night. I met him a couple times when I was younger, and I'm going to miss him, despite the fact that I didn't really know him. I don't know what hapens to people when they die, and I don't really belive in god, but I hope that Pudge has found peace.

visting grandpa

This morning I braided my hair and put it up in four buns. It looks amazingly stupid, but I refuse to take it down untill it's completly dry, even if that means...shoping with my hair like this. See, I want my hair to be wavy for tonight. I [might] be going to the rock box(what a dumb name) to see the killer apathy(I totally love them). And Eric might be there, I haven't seen him for ages. I might not get to go though, I've got some family stuff going on. Sad buisness.

odd things that make me happy

Rubing my legs together when they are wet, right after shaving.
The way it smells before and during a rain storm.
The sound my cowboy boots make when I'm walking on wet pavement.
Tree sap on my hands.
The exileration I feel right after seeing a play.
Laying in wet grass.
When the clouds clear and it's really sunny right after it's rained.
Seeing really long trains pass.
Really cool grafiti.
Grafiti way high up on things, it always makes me wonder ''how the hell did they paint all the way up there?!"
The cauluses on the tips of my fingers.(from playin' guitar)
Boys with long eyelashes.
Warm toes(mine not other peoples).
Statues in parks.
People telling me that I look really young.(It actually kind of annoys me, but hey, if I look young now, I'll look great when I'm 30ish!)
Freakles.
Turquoise any thing.
Seeing lawns coverd in dandylions.
Making it to the end of the monkey bars.
Picking up trash off the street.(I don't like that there is trash in the streets, that actually makes me feel like crap, but picking it up and tossing it in a trashcan makes me feel fab)
Skunks.
Pencil shavings.
Music that I listend to when I was a kid.
Purple clouds.
Door knobs.
Keys that don't have any thing to unlock.
Really hot salsa.
Speeking eloquently on AIM or yahoo.
Pretending that I'm on an italian soap opera.
Running and jumping and just fliging my whole body around.
Swinging(on a swingset) so high that it looks like my feet are above the tree line.
Finding really random cute things.
Small stuffed animals that are soft and squishy.
Writing about odd things, like this.

only me

This blog is...a project. I am baring myself to the world. I'm going to write about every thing. Any one who wants to know, can. This is my no holds, show all, don't-be-modest-begining.
In the past I have been I pritvet person, I didn't tell people...any thing! But I'm getting over that now, and this is part of it. I don't care who reads this, the more the merrier!
All you will see is only me.